Life Insurance Humor – 3 Funny Insurance Articles to Brighten Your Day
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UPDATED: Jan 30, 2020
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Nearly 1/3 of Americans don’t purchase life insurance because death isn’t something they want to talk about! Yup – it’s true.
So in an effort to bring some levity to a heavy topic – Huntley Wealth brings you some life insurance humor to brighten your day!
There are some obvious preparations before eating at the Heart Attack Grill. You know…there are the no brainers like fasting for a week, wearing loose clothing, and making sure your insurance card is in your wallet. But also be sure to complete these 10 To-Do Items before pounding down your next quadruple bypass burger.
1. Give your mother a dozen roses and tell her you love her. Farewells to friends and other members of your family would also be appropriate.
2. Remember to take your blood pressure and/or cholesterol medication. You won’t stand a chance without your Zocor!
3. Bring a yak bucket and keep in your car for the ride home. You never know.
4. Get a complete physical done by your doctor along with lab work so your good health is well documented, which will give your family grounds to sue when you stroke out.
5. Make love on a train. Smoke a cigar or cigarette after. No sense in worrying about getting addicted.
6. Write your will. A trust would be even better because a will doesn’t avoid probate.
7. Wear new pairs of socks and underwear. You’ll impress the heck out of the nurses at the hospital.
8. Skydive. What have you got to lose?
9. Make peace with God. (And don’t blow it by staring at the hot waitresses at the Grill)
10. Purchase a big life insurance policy. I recommend at least a $1 Million death benefit to help your wife pay the mortgage, raise your children, put them through college and replace your income. You can get a quote in the box to the right.
We love you Heart Attack Grill! Just kidding about #4. Not kidding about the rest.
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In a controversial and no doubt, soon-to-be heavily debated press release, dated March 26th, 2010, Prudential Life Insurance Company announced that effective May 1st, 2010, it will no longer be offering its “Preferred Plus Non Tobacco” ratings to blonde women. “Preferred” will now be the best rating blondes can qualify for when applying for Prudential’s term or permanent life insurance products.
This is a huge blow to healthy blondes seeking affordable coverage. How big a blow? Take a 24-year-old blonde female in great health, applying for a 20 year term policy for $500,000. Until May 1st, she could qualify for a Preferred Plus rate of $32 per month with Prudential. But after May 1st, the best offer she can get is Preferred, which costs $40 per month. That’s a 25% increase!
Since I have a few blonde clients, I decided to call Prudential’s Underwriting department for an explanation. I spoke with Chief Underwriter, Bob Jones. Below is a transcript of our conversation.
Q: Mr. Jones, why have excluded blondes from your best underwriting class?
A: Well, Chris, it’s like this. We’re in the risk management business. We set our premiums based on the likelihood of having to pay out on a death claim. Take our guaranteed UL policy… We typically only expect to pay out on 10% of all UL policies we have in force. Recently, however, we noticed that this percentage has climbed up into the teens. We spent a good amount of time and money researching why, and found that accidental deaths among blondes were largely to blame.
Q: I see. So you’re saying that blondes are riskier to insure?
A: Certainly they are. That’s not my opinion… that’s a fact, and they’re almost all accident-prone. Let me give you an example. Last year, nationwide there just over 1400 adult drowning deaths. An incredible 600 of those were blonde women. When you think of how blonde women only make up 15% of the adult population, that’s a staggering figure. Seven of those blondes were Prudential clients, whose death benefits added up to over $3 Million. Quite frankly, we’re tired of paying out death benefits for ridiculous deaths.
We see death claims from blondes that we quite honestly don’t see from anyone else. One blonde accidentally hung herself somehow trying to pump gas. One of our younger deaths was a 16 year old who, for a school project, tried to make a piece of homemade gum. In her garage, she mistook a jar of explosives for citric acid. When she bit into the gum, it blew her entire lower jaw and most of her face off. My god, one of our drowning deaths was a blonde who drowned in her own kitchen sink. So, you see a few of these and you just pay them out without thinking too much about it, but when you see a long pattern of deaths that you just can’t attribute to anything else other than being blonde, you have to make a change.
Q: But Mr. Jones, isn’t this discrimination? How can you raise blondes’ premiums and not raise everyone’s premiums?
A: The price increase is not due to some stereotype, but fact. It’s no different than offering insurance to an obese adult at a
higher premium than a preferred risk adult. We know that our obese clients are more prone to suffer from strokes, heart disease, and diabetes, so we adjust our prices commensurately with the risk. We know blonde women are more likely to die accidentally, so we have to raise their premiums too. I agree this announcement may come with some criticism, but we have an obligation to our shareholders to generate a profit.
Q: What would you say to a blonde who is just furious about this announcement?
A: Well, there is a bright side. We’re also announcing our BCP program this May, which stands for the Blonde Credit Program. Essentially, if they qualify, we’ll give blondes credits that could get their premium back down to Preferred Plus rates.
Q: How do you qualify for these “blonde credits”?
A: We’re concerned for our blonde clients’ safety primarily, so we’ll be issuing credits if our blondes sign a promissory agreement to wear a bicycle helmet, elbow and knee pads whenever they go outdoors. For our blondes with driver’s licenses, they can earn credits for posting our “Blonde Drivers Safety Guide” on their steering wheel, which reminds them to fasten their seatbelt and to remember that the left pedal is for stopping and right pedal is for going. Other credits are available for passing an IQ test. Now we don’t expect them to pass with a high, or even average score for that matter, but we do need them to place in the lower 20th percentile, putting them roughly on par with Forrest Gump.
Q: This is ridiculous, Mr. Jones. You guys are going to get sued for this.
A: If you’re offended, perhaps I haven’t made myself clear. Allow me to end this conversation with an illustration. Two blondes are hiking in a forest. They come across a set of tracks. The one blonde says, “I think these are deer tracks.” The other argues, “No, I’m pretty sure they’re bear tracks.” So they argue on, “Deer tracks.” “Bear tracks!” “Deer tracks!” And they were still standing there arguing when the train came and hit them. You see the moral of the story is, we’re still willing to insure these dumb blondes; we just think they should have to pay a little higher premium than the average adult.
In conclusion, if you’re reading this and you’re a blonde, there is hope. I am an independent agent skilled in obtaining the highest possible offer for blonde women. Some companies are not so harsh with their ratings towards blondes, so be sure to shop around and use a knowledgeable agent like me to obtain the best policy at the lowest price.
The article above is satirical in nature, and intended to be an April Fools joke. The use of any real person’s or company’s name is purely incidental. Hey, let’s face it. If you read this and thought any of this was real after the first line, you must be a blonde.
Let’s face it, men. Women are interested in one thing…
Spell it with me.
Get your mind out of the gutter! You wish it was that.
And I’m going to show you how to give it to her.
I’ll make this simple.
If your wife depends on your income to pay the bills and you don’t have life insurance, what the hell is wrong with you?
… Seriously, where’s she going to live without your income?
Besides just providing security for your wife, life insurance has many other shocking benefits. Consider the following:
10 Shocking Ways I Shut Up My Wife with Life Insurance
I have a $1.7 Million policy on my life. Not only is my wife happy about this, but I was surprised to see how she did a 180 after I bought my big policy.
Here’s how this works…
Having made such a sacrifice for your wife, she’ll feel the need to reciprocate, and you may notice that not only will she cut you some slack, but she’ll also become much more interested in your health and well-being.
Here are a few changes I’ve noticed in my wife.
Health & Diet Related (1-7):
- Greasy Fast Food – She used to get on my case for eating this crap. Not anymore! She has seemed to turn over a new leaf in this regard, and constantly tells me how skinny I am, and how I need to fatten up.
- All of a sudden, she’s a research fanatic. She found this informative article about how cigarettes actually offer many health benefits, such as help with anxiety and can be used as an anti-inflammatory agent, and is now encouraging that I start smoking. When I told her that I don’t like the way nicotine makes me feel, she came up with this great idea… why not use Nicorette to help me work up to smoking? If it can help people quit smoking by giving them a dose of nicotine, surely it would help me to start smoking, right? Brilliant.
- As an addition to #2, she’s now looking into the health benefits of meth and cocaine (for example, the Transform Drug Policy Foundation in the UK ran this mind-blowing study showing that the World Health Organization reported that
occasional cocaine use doesn’t lead to any medical issues, and in fact, “has positive therapeutic benefits”).
- Flatliner Fries – She’s been really good about packing my lunch, and including my favorite snack every day… French fries, fried in 100% lard. We call them flatliner fries, as they are inspired by my favorite restaurant, the Heart Attack Grill.
- She has completely cut lettuce and other veggies and fruits out of my diet – after researching about the hazards of lettuce, along with many other posts discussing the perils of eating vegetables, such as this one, “10 Vegetables You Shouldn’t be Eating,” I’m finally off those poisonous, foul tasting veggies. (When I pointed out the article above was really picking on unhealthy foods disguised behind a vegetable’s name, such as spinach dip or carrot cake, my wife wisely recommended I steer clear of every vegetable because “it’s better to be safe than sorry.”)
- Quit Exercising – At first glance, this one may seem counter intuitive, but yes, she’s also convinced me to cut out my work out routine…
- 12,000 Calorie Diet – You may ask, “with all the food research your wife has done, what diet have you finally settled on?” I’m pleased to say that after much debate, my wife and I have finally settled on a diet that is both nutritious and satisfying… the Michael Phelps diet. Although, this one was really more of just common sense than research based. All we had to do was look at a picture of Mr. Phelps, and I knew that’s what I wanted to look like.
General Nagging (8-10)
- You know when you leave to go out with the guys, and your wife tells you to “drive safe and don’t do anything stupid.” For some reason, I don’t hear that anymore.
- She has completely stopped bugging me about my crazy ideas to go skydiving or paragliding. In fact, she encourages it. She says she’s “turned over a new leaf on nagging me”, after reading an article on Menshealth.com discussing how nagging wives cause their husbands to get stressed out, and we all know stress can lead to high blood pressure and more.
- There’s a slew of other things she has eased up on: doctor visits, changing my brake pads, drinking too much alcohol and soda, just to name a few, but most importantly, in the unlikely event that I should pass away, we both know she’ll be well taken care of with my $1.7 Million life insurance death benefit.
*I don’t know if a disclaimer is really necessary for numbers 1-10 above, but for all the morons out there, let me just say, I’m totally joking about all 10 of the above. You’re an idiot if you think smoking or doing cocaine is good for you, or anything else my wife has recommended to me.
As you can see from the examples above, my wife loves me more than ever.
The Size of Your Policy Matters – How Much Do I Need?
The general rule of thumb is to have 10X your income, although if you are younger, and have 30 to 40 years left in your working career, you might want to go higher. You can also see or life insurance calculator for more help here.
Life insurance is dirt cheap, in most cases, especially if you are under age 50.
Here are a few sample quotes:
|20 Year Term Quotes|
|Monthly Rate for Male, Non Smoker, Excellent Health|
*Please note these monthly rates are based on a male in excellent health, non-tobacco user, and were last updated on 6/20/13.
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I realize this post is pretty void of any real content about life insurance, so if you are interested, here are a few helpful links on our site you’ll want to check out:
To get started, simply fill out the quote form on the right or call us at 888-603-2876. We can help you find the right policy at the best rates.
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