In a controversial and no doubt, soon-to-be heavily debated press release, dated March 26th, 2010, Prudential Life Insurance Company announced that effective May 1st, 2010, it will no longer be offering its “Preferred Plus Non Tobacco” ratings to blonde women. “Preferred” will now be the best rating blondes can qualify for when applying for Prudential’s term or permanent life insurance products.
This is a huge blow to healthy blondes seeking affordable coverage. How big a blow? Take a 24 year old blonde female in great health, applying for a 20 year term policy for $500,000. Until May 1st, she could qualify for a Preferred Plus rate of $32 per month with Prudential. But after May 1st, the best offer she can get is Preferred, which costs $40 per month. That’s a 25% increase!
Since I have a few blonde clients, I decided to call Prudential’s Underwriting department for an explanation. I spoke with Chief Underwriter, Bob Jones. Below is a transcript of our conversation.
Q: Mr. Jones, why have excluded blondes from your best underwriting class?
A: Well, Chris, it’s like this. We’re in the risk management business. We set our premiums based on the likelihood of having to pay out on a death claim. Take our guaranteed UL policy… We typically only expect to pay out on 10% of all UL policies we have in force. Recently, however, we noticed that this percentage has climbed up into the teens. We spent a good amount of time and money researching why, and found that accidental deaths among blondes were largely to blame.
Q: I see. So you’re saying that blondes are riskier to insure?
A: Certainly they are. That’s not my opinion… that’s a fact, and they’re almost all accidental. Let me give you an example. Last year, nationwide there just over 1400 adult drowning deaths. An incredible 600 of those were blonde women. When you think of how blonde women only make up 15% of the adult population, that’s a staggering figure. Seven of those blondes were Prudential clients, whose death benefits added up to over $3 Million. And quite frankly, we’re tired of paying out death benefits for ridiculous deaths.
We see death claims from blondes that we quite honestly don’t see from anyone else. One blonde accidentally hung herself somehow trying to pump gas. One of our younger deaths was a 16 year old who, for a school project, tried to make a piece of homemade gum. In her garage, when going to dip it in citric acid, she mistook a jar of explosive next to it for the citric acid, and when she bit into it, blew off her entire lower jaw and most of her face. My god, one of our drowning deaths was a blonde who drowned in her own kitchen sink. So, you know, you see a few of these, and you just pay them out without thinking much about it, but when you see a long pattern of deaths that you just can’t attribute to anything but being blonde, you have to make a change.
Q: But Mr. Jones, isn’t this discrimination? How can you raise blondes’ premiums and not raise everyone’s premiums.
A: The price increase is not due to some stereotype, but fact. It’s no different than offering insurance to an obese adult at a higher premium than a preferred risk adult. We know that our obese clients are more prone to suffer from strokes, heart disease, and diabetes, so we adjust our prices commensurately with the risk. We know blonde women are more likely to die accidentally, so we have to raise their premiums too. I agree this announcement may come with some criticism, but we have an obligation to our shareholders to be profitable here.
Q: What would you say to a blonde who is just furious about this announcement?
A: Well, there is a bright side. We’re also announcing our BCP program this May, which stands for the Blonde Credit Program. Essentially, if they qualify, we’ll give blondes credits that could get their premium back down to Preferred Plus rates.
Q: How do you qualify for these “blonde credits”?
A: We’re concerned for our blonde clients’ safety primarily, so we’ll be issuing credits if our blondes sign an promissory agreement to wear a bicycle helmet, elbow and knee pads whenever they go outdoors. For our blondes with driver’s licenses, they can earn credits for posting our “Blonde Drivers Safety Guide” on their steering wheel, which reminds them to fasten their seatbelt, and that the left pedal is for stopping and right pedal is for going. Other credits are available for passing an IQ test. Now we don’t expect them to score highly, or even average for that matter, but we do need them to place in the lower 20 percentile, putting them roughly on par with Forrest Gump.
Q: This is ridiculous, Mr. Jones. You guys are going to get sued for this.
A: If you’re offended, perhaps I haven’t made myself clear. Allow me to end this conversation with an illustration. Two blondes are hiking in a forest. They come across a set of tracks. The one blonde says, “I think these are deer tracks.” The other argues, “No, I’m pretty sure they’re bear tracks.” So they argue on, “Deer tracks.” “Bear tracks!” “Deer tracks!” And they were still standing there arguing when the train came and hit them. You see the moral is, we’re still willing to insure these dumb blondes; we just think they should have to pay a little higher premium than the average adult.
In conclusion, if you’re reading this and you’re a blonde, there is hope. I am an independent agent skilled in obtaining the highest possible offer for blonde women. Some companies are not so harsh with their ratings towards blondes, so be sure to shop around and use a knowledgeable agent like me to obtain the best policy at the lowest price.
The article above is satirical in nature, and intended to be an April Fools joke. The use of any real person’s or company’s name is purely incidental. Hey, let’s face it. If you read this and thought any of this was real after the first line, you must be a blonde.
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